A series of photos flash by on a screen. They are all of a chubby-cheeked, dark skinned little girl, mugging for the camera. The pictures pause on a photo of the girl in a Girl Scout uniform, half-heartedly making a peace sign with one hand.
On a stage empty of anything but a black box and a microphone, stands that little girl — now a grown woman with graying hair. In her hands is a green sash, the kind Girl Scouts adorn with embroidered badges that represent the accomplishments they’ve mastered. She lifts it over her head and adjusts it across her chest.
“A sash of validation,” she says. “Visible proof that you are capable.”
That’s how “Begin Again Badge,” a one-woman show by Cristela Carrizales that opened in the Cook Theatre at the FSU Center for the Performing Arts Thursday night, begins. It is the setup for Carrizales, an actor, singer, comedian and storyteller, to take us along on her rocky search for self-validation and self-love in the wake of childhood traumas that set her up for a lifetime of mental health struggles.
The is the third show from Lifeline Productions, a nonprofit that taps theater and storytelling to illuminate mental health challenges and eliminate the stigma that often comes with them, and the first to feature a woman and a female perspective. As such, it brings to light issues that for women are all too common, yet rarely spoken of. Yet in detailing her downward spiral through infertility, alcoholism, divorce and dating and her ongoing efforts at recovery, Carrizales delivers a universal message about the longing to be accepted and loved for who we are.

Cristela Carrizales is the star of Lifeline Productions’ “Begin Again Badge,” which details her journey through infertility, suicide attempts, alcoholism, divorce and dating apps. / Photo by Dennis Spielman
A Mexican-American who grew up in Dallas, Texas in the ‘80s as the only child of a single mother and an absentee father, Carrizales got a rough start in life as “the fattest kid in my elementary school.” (Later in the show she lets us know she scored a six, maybe seven, of 10 on the “Adverse Childhood Experiences” list – a list included in the printed program that is a measure of the potential for later-life physical and mental health conditions.) As her size expanded, so did her efforts to overcome her “invisibility” by using her singing and acting talents to gain attention and acceptance. And despite her growing obesity, she does find a measure of acceptance at college where – to her disbelief – she is eventually crowned homecoming queen.
But “even validation isn’t love,” so she eventually chooses marriage to a military man over the pursuit of a theatrical career, living and traveling abroad where, at each stop, she becomes “the base’s patriotic songbird.” Her accomplishments are documented on the screen with graphics of the fabricated Girl Scout badges she earns: The “Dora the Grown Up Explorer” badge. The “Cecil B. DeMille Badge.” The “Always Able to Support Your Damn Self” badge.
Despite her obsessive pursuance of validation “like a drug,” one badge Carrizales fails to earn is the “Baby Bundle” badge. Her infertility becomes the catalyst for a nightmare descent into alcoholism, suicide attempts, multiple rehabs and, eventually, divorce that she shares with stark frankness in the bulk of the show.
Carrizales is a dynamic and earnest performer; you can still clearly see in her that little girl yearning to stand out and “be perfect.” She’s at her best when she’s closest to the bone, such as when she delivers a spoken word/rap about the desire to forgive her husband his trespasses one day that segues into a rage-filled “But this is not that day!” Or relating her painfully humorous interactions on dating apps, where “Mr. Charcuterie Board” ghosts her after she’s already working on her “Hope” badge.
Writing coach Jason Cannon assisted Carrizales in developing what was a 55-minute show intended for the fringe festival circuit into a 90-minute piece for Lifeline that would emphasize and provide education about mental health. Director Meg Gilbert also faced the challenge of keeping the show flowing organically while incorporating these learning elements.
That means packing an awful lot into a one-person vehicle without becoming preachy or turning things academic. While there are moments when that delicate balance falters, Carrizales barrels forward with an energy that keeps the audience engaged and rooting for her.
A photo illustration of Cristela Carrizales by photographer Talia Arbisser’s project personifying individuals’ “dybbbuks” (from the Hebrew word for “to cling"), the persistent, malicious spirits that can sabotage mental health./ Image by Talia Arbisser provided by Lifeline Productions
Scattered throughout her monologue, as well as projected on the video screen and printed in the program, are clinical mental health terms -- like “Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” “Trauma-Related Dissociative Amnesia,” and “Epigenitic Imprinting“ – that define her diagnoses. At times this can seem intrusive and remind you that this isn’t just an entertainment vehicle; it’s clear you’re meant to be learning something. But it is a valuable tool for those whose personal connection with the challenges Carrizales presents may lead them to seek help themselves, which is one of Lifeline’s goals. As is the talk-back session with the audience that occurs after each performance.
The show ends with Carrizales singing an original song, set to her own words, about her growing ability to make healthy choices and practice self-love. The final act of taking off her green sash represents the freedom she has earned from doing the hard work necessary to shed her demons. It’s a challenge that many of us face, but few are willing to tackle as head on and honestly as Carrizales does. “Being Again Badge” may not be a flawless show, but – like all of us – it is perfectly imperfect.
“Begin Again Badge,” a one-woman show by Cristela Carrizales presented by Lifeline Productions at the Cook Theatre, FSU Center for Performing Arts, 7777 N. Tamiami Trail, Sarasota. June 11-21. Matinees 2 p.m.; evening shows 7:30 p.m. Tickets $37. https://lifelineproductions.ticketspice.com/begin-again-badge




